Of Presents and Perverseness
by hpdrfan1
Summary: A little humour fic to please my HP readers. It's Voldemort's BDay, and the Death Eaters decide to throw him a party, with presents...and games...and cake. R&R, comments and constructive critisism most welcome. PLEASE check out my HP forum!


Of Presents and Perverseness

Of Presents and Perverseness

**A/N:** Honestly, those of you who know me well, know that I have no sense of humour. So, if you find that this is not remotely funny, don't worry; you're just normal. Seriously. You'll find most of my jokes stale, even in the Clique stories, or Lights…but still. Review :D

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Never in the past had the atmosphere in the Death Eaters' lounge been so tense. And considering that ghastly forms of torture and ruthless killings are frequent here, this was saying something.

The place was swathed in a cloak of darkness, not a murmur escaping the lips of the hooded figures that were crouched on the floor. A gaggle of terrified-looking Muggles – bound and gagged – were stashed in a corner. A huge, imposing mound lay unmoving under an enormous silk sheathing. Blood dripped menacingly from the walls onto the white-carpeted floor, and a sinister Dark Mark hovered over the scene, glowing in the darkness. It was not – as you may think – a site that had recently witnessed a brutal mass-murder. It was Lord Voldemort's surprise birthday party.

Bellatrix smoothed her ragged robes rather self-consciously, moaning about how Azkaban had rendered serious damage to her wardrobe. However, every assembled Death Eater was well aware that said robes – distinctively ripped in certain areas – were not attributable to her stay in Azkaban. Wormtail's silver hand gleamed unusually bright in the dark. Lucius Malfoy had adopted a supremely unconcerned expression, but the occasional flash of white from underneath his hood proclaimed the use of a Teeth-Whitening Charm. And Severus Snape's hair had never been a less greasy sight.

Footsteps clicked along the hallway outside, and the excitement rose.

"… something urgent, I was told."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Seems to be, as I see that you're pink with barely suppressed jubilation."

"You shall soon see, My Lord."

The door opened with a bang. Light flooded into the room, as the Death Eaters sprang from odd corners in the lounge, crying in unison, "Surprise!"

The Dark Lord blinked. Silence enveloped the room for a few, extremely tense moments.

"Is this why I was summoned from my chambers?" Voldemort inquired in a cold, deadly tone. The silence pervaded for another few moments, before Lucius stepped boldly forward and pointed at the horde of tied Muggles.

"We have freshly picked humans for your entertainment, My Lord!" he exclaimed. Voldemort seemed highly unimpressed.

"The blood on the walls – it's real!" Wormtail managed to squeak out.

"Yes, thank you, Wormtail. It is quite splendid to finally see what human blood looks like," the Dark Lord snapped.

"We got a cake," Bellatrix cried out, whipping the cover off an enormous black cake in the shape of the Dark Mark. The green icing on it pronounced, "Happy Birthday, Master!"

Voldemort was silent for a few moments; before –

"Oh, all right, then." And he stepped forward amidst several elated and relieved cheers.

A chorus of 'Happy Birthday' was sung as Voldemort carefully sliced a piece of cake; no candles were used as no one was quite sure what their Master's age was, and no one was brave enough to ask. Covers were whipped off several platters, revealing an assortment of delicacies and sweets. The Death Eaters kicked back with plates piled high with food, while the birthday boy amused himself by levitating one of the Muggles and sipping some of the wine that Snape had procured from his private collection.

Once the food had vanished off the plates, the idea of unwrapping the presents was brought up. One of the Death Eaters whipped off the silk covering to reveal an enormous pile of presents underneath. Most of the presents were fairly satisfactory; Voldemort seemed particularly pleased with a dart board that had Harry's face on it. His displeasure at Lucius' hideous cloak, on the other hand, was only surpassed by the Malfoy's desperate claim of, "But it's slimming, My Lord!" As a matter of fact, it was long after Lucius' screams stopped ricocheting off the walls that Voldemort's attention was diverted by a rather large package.

"And what's this?" he murmured, as everyone stared at the strange device that was revealed.

"It's a jukebox, My Lord!" Bellatrix piped up eagerly.

"A Muggle device? You mock me, Bella."

"But, Master," she ploughed on uncertainly, "you seemed rather fascinated by the iPod in the Muggle store…"

"Silence! What does the blasted thing do?"

Bellatrix lurched forward and fiddled with the buttons. Nothing happened for several long moments, before finally – with an obscene curse – Bellatrix brandished her wand at the jukebox. Loud, hip-shaking music blasted out of the speakers.

_Cameras are flashing my way, dirty dance  
And they keep watchin'  
Keep watchin'  
Feels like the crowd is saying  
Gimme gimme more, gimme more…_

The slightest of smiles curved Voldemort's lips. Several Death Eaters cheered; Wormtail began swaying to the music in a rather ungainly manner, while several others ducked to avoid Lucius' wildly swinging cane. Bellatrix's provocative dance steps didn't go unnoticed. But none of them could match the Dark Lord's proficiency, as he launched into a jazzy routine. The Death Eaters looked on, stunned, as the most fearsome wizard of the century executed rather brazen dance moves. Severus Snape calmly replaced the vial of the Elixir to Induce Euphoria into his pocket, as Voldemort spun around with a resounding, "Ow!"

Several miles away, the boy called Harry Potter was rolling with laughter in his sleep.

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Comments and constructive criticism are most welcome.


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